What NOT to Write

True confessions: I was on a downhill slide into full-fledged, middle-aged frumpiness. One of the best antidotes for my affliction was to begin watching the show “What Not to Wear” with my daughter. We started when she was in Middle School, that season of life when a daughter’s sense of self-worth is tightly coupled to her mother’s appearance. And although I never quite progressed to the rank of fashionista (not even close!), I did learn enough from watching the show to ditch the “mom jeans” and quit buying clothes from certain catalogs. 

A side benefit of my “de-frumpification” was to realize the benefit of coaching, and to experience the value of having someone clearly show me not just what to do but also what not to do.

My goal with Leave Nothing Unsaid is to provide a step-by-step guide to help people write meaningful and affirming letters to those they love. Just as it helped me to see outfits that would cause Stacy and Clinton to shake their heads “no,” I hope that the following 7 tips on “what not to write” will also be useful to you:

1. Don’t say anything insincere. Even the most difficult person has some positive qualities. Affirm those. But please don’t stretch the truth. Your entire letter will lose credibility if you do.
2. Don’t use a letter as an underhanded way to offer correction. If you’re inclined to compliment two positive qualities and then squeeze in an area that needs improvement, please don’t! Keep this letter 100% positive.
3. Don’t apologize. Perhaps there is a deeply rooted hurt for which you need to apologize. Absolutely, do it! There’s no better time than the present to say you are sorry. But don’t make an apology part of this letter. The purpose of this letter is to encourage the recipient. Incorporating a significant apology indirectly shifts the focus to the letter writer.
4. Don’t worry about the length or eloquence of the letter. Ask anyone who has a letter from a deceased loved one. They don’t care about it’s length or fluency. They care about the love behind the message. 
5. Don’t forget to sign your letter by hand. It’s fine to type your letter. But please, sign the letter by hand. There’s something about seeing a person’s handwriting that brings a flood of positive emotions. 
6. Don’t give expecting a response. Several years ago, I led a workshop for high school parents at my daughter’s alma mater. Anne was already home from college and wanted to help me with logistics. However, she asked me not to call on her during the workshop. I complied. To my surprise, as I was finishing my talk, her hand went up and she offered some profound advice to the parents: “I’ve grown up getting letters like this from my mom. And it always makes me uncomfortable to read them in front of her. But I always take them in my room, close the door, and read them over and over again. So if you give your kid a letter and they don’t say much, don’t think that it doesn’t mean a lot to them. It does.” 
7. Don’t delay. The worst mistake is not to write letters at all. None of us is promised tomorrow, and everyone whom you loves deserves to have an affirming letter from you. Please pitch the excuses and start writing! If your children are young, please still write them letters. Maybe they can’t even read yet. Write the letter and tuck it away. You can always write another letter at a later date.

Writing words that matter forever. Is it easy? Not always. Can you make mistakes? Yup! That’s what this post was designed to help avoid. Is it important? Oh yes. Is it worth it? A million times, yes! Can you do it? Absolutely!

I’d love to hear your letter stories. Please share them with me: write to jody@leavenothingunsaid.com.