Waiting and Wondering

Have you ever waited for a train to arrive? Or sat in a train station, treasuring last moments with a loved one as they prepared to depart on an incoming train?

You spend a lot of time wondering. And listening for the train’s arrival. The wait can seem endless…and then, suddenly, an announcement is made, and the hurry-scurry begins as people gather their belongings and prepare to board the train during its short stop at the station.

Being with a loved one as his or her earthly life draws to a close can be a lot like that. Yes, some people do die suddenly from a heart attack or tragic accident. But statistics say that only 10% reach the end of life suddenly.

That means the vast majority of our loved ones…and most of us…will be waiting and wondering when our last moments on earth will be.

I’ve been “in the station” with three family members as they neared the end of life. And in each situation, despite completely different causes of death, the question hovered over all of us. How much longer?

Ask any hospice nurse, and they will tell you that it’s impossible to predict. Yes, there are physiological signs of “active dying,” but a person can linger much longer than expected. The truth of the verse: “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16) becomes very real at the end of life. Only God knows how many days we will be alive.

In a season of great uncertainty…of watching someone we love suffer and physically decline…how do we make the most of the remaining moments together?

Here are my top 5 pieces of advice: 

• Leave nothing unsaid. Yes, I probably sound like a broken record, but it’s true. Why wait to eulogize someone after they have passed? Eulogize the living. Tell them why they matter to you. What you love about them. The difference they have made in your life. Download a PDF of my workbook…it will help you tremendously. And if finances are an issue, please email me: jody@leavenothingunsaid.com I would be happy to send you a copy.  These days can seem endless, but are really slipping away like sand through your fingers. Don’t delay. Carpe Diem. 
• Help your loved one “leave nothing unsaid” to those who matter most. Perhaps they are too sick to write letters themself. But you can use my workbook and ask them questions…take notes using their words and expressions…draft a letter and read it back. Give them the opportunity to make changes. Once you print it out, have them sign it if at all possible. Using a clipboard and a felt tip pen often makes that easier. Those letters will become priceless treasures to the recipients in the days to come.
• Take a photograph of your hand holding theirs. It’s a beautiful, poignant image that you will cherish.
• Keep talking to your loved one, even if they are unconscious or unresponsive. Don’t assume because they can’t respond that they can’t hear your words. Words of love and affirmation provide a beautiful send-off.
• Look for soothing ways to impact their senses. Calming instrumental music. A gently scented candle. Light touch or massage.

Accompanying a loved one to the end of their earthly life is an emotionally painful, yet sacred time. Yes, watching them “board the train” is incredibly difficult.  But the last days you have together…the days of waiting and wondering… can be a gift to you both. Use them well.